Baby its cold outside ...

 It has emerged that global warming is a reality.

Professor Henry Fudgedyke of the Academy for Research into the Science of the Environment or ARSE, said yesterday that “it’s been so cold that it must get warmer. Thus global warming is a fact”.

Fugdedyke went on to point out that every 24 hours, all over the globe things get cooler, and then they get warmer again. “It is a cycle,” he said “and it’s called the global warming cycle”.

He cited Auckland, Nu Zulun where temperatures fell to 2’C and then warmed again to 10’C.  “That’s global warming in a nutshell,” he said.

Finally, the Professor outlined the latest research of ARSE into ice-creams melting . He stated that incontrovertible proof could just possibly emerge out of ARSE's ice-creams that global warming caused them to melt.

The Academy of Research into the Science of the Environment (ARSE) hopes to soon be sponsored by the IPCC (The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change).

“We are hoping that the IPCC will support ARSE,” he said. “If they don’t, we are happy to change our research findings so that they will eventually fully back ARSE”.

Professor Fudgedyke then had to abruptly end the interview stating “gosh, it’s cold enough to freeze spherical objects of a brass monkey!”

Put you sweet lips a little closer to the phone, lets pretend that we're together all alone ...

It has been brought to my attention by semi-reliable sauces that I have been hacked.

My sensitive smart little MOTOROLA with the stunning Android-thingy-whatsit has been emotionally invaded!

Details of my private life have been leaked to the Press (It was only a matter of time).

Of course the details are a tissue of filthy lies and in-you-end-doe  that bare only some minor and insignificant relationship to the truth (whatever that might possibility be).

First of all, I want to clearly state that I was not seen last Friday running out of the New World Supermarket in Birkenhead in the green dress.

The dress was in fact aqua-marine.

Secondly, I did not have a brown paper bag over my head.

The bag was in point of fact a delicate sort of clayish shade.

Thirdly, there was in actual fact no actual third point to be addressed.

In fact, it was an envelope that was addressed.

Finally and fifthly, contrary to what some say, I can count to ten.

The likeness is remarkable

Brother, can you spare a dime ......

Take it away Bing .....

Money is only a text away with Ferratum.

Within minutes, the ever-so-kind Mr Yoon will pop a few hundred smackers into you bank account.

What a lovely, kind tender-hearted, generous man is MR Yoooon.

Let's see now ... you want $500 spondolicks in a hurry. Then you text Fair-rat- uuuum? Give them your details (first mistake).

Now some are concerned  .. why?

Well if you borrow say $500 for 1 week, then after 7 days you get to pay back $590. This is an interest rate of 18% for 7 days which is equivalent to quite a lot over a year. Let's say you had to keep the money for a year at that rate. The interest of course compounds every week.

At the end of one year (52 weeks) you would owe $2,734, 225.85.

That can't be right  ... I hear you say. Well  ... it  ^%$#@y  well is!

500 X 1.18 = 590  (1 week)
500 x (1.18)^2 =  696.20 (2 weeks)
500 x (1.18) ^3 = 821.52 (3 weeks)
500 x (1.18)^4 = $ 969.39  (after 4 weeks you almost owe twice as much as you borrowed!)

  and so on my dear friends .... by the way the symbol "^" means "to the power of"  thus 3^3 = 3x3x3= 27

500 x (1.18)^52 = 500 x 1.18 x 1.18 x 1.18 x 1.18 .... and so on  ........ = 2, 734,225.85

Well all I can say to those who borrow is happy landings on a chocolate bar!

Now I am not saying you will have to pay that back. I am simply saying that an interest rate of 18% per week 0n $500 is equivalent to 500 x 1.18^52 over one year.

The company says: "We are driven by our passion for innovation and we have an ambitious growth strategy".

 Aint that the %#%@ truth

How did they ever get registered with the government!
NZ Government Registered Financial Service Provider No. FSP 70021.

To fair you can borrow $100 for a month and pay backonly $152 dollars at the end of 1 month. But again, that is equivalent to paying back
100 x (1.52)^12 =  $15,209.78


Enough already ... I have just thought of a scheme to get rich quick!!!!


After all, if I could just lend you $500 at 18% interest per week for ten years
the amount you pay me pay back would be:

500 x (1.18)^520 = 1.2 x10^40 dollars  (ten to the power of 40 folks)

roughly $12,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

Which, as you all know,  is 12 quadrillion septillion dollars.

or in lay person's terms 
12 thousand million, million, million, million, million, million dollars. or perhaps


12 thousand billion, billion, billion dollars.

Which is a tad more than I make in a year!

Woman in black Ooh, ooh, woman in black ...

Billy Connolly suggests there is an reason some women dress completely in black - it is know by the very medically technical term as "fatness".

Connolly argues blackness hides fatness.

We lay people know it simply as "obesity".

But I am not so sure this is the reason.   Anyhow, back to the beginning...

Every morning, on my bus, I gaze out of my window on a sea of black. Now , I realize males have to wear black suits - though I disdain them.

But why, oh why are there so many women attired from head to toe in black.

Just exactly, ladies, where is the funeral?

I suspect, the reason goes deeper into the female psyche than Billy Connolly suggests.

You see, dear reader, the phrase "All Black" has been profoundly and indelibly etched into the Nu Zulun sub-consciousness.

It is undeniably the case that  women cannot qualify to be a member of the All Blacks, so (in their lust and envy), the very latest research suggests they do the next best thing and dress in all black.

In psychology, this is called a defense mechanism termed "compensation". (or was that condensation??)

However, it has also emerged that women can in fact break free of this "psychological bondage" to black.

Sally Arbuckle, leader researcher at the Academy of Black Clothing (or ABC), reports that all a women has to do is sally forth in bright, cheerful, heart-warming colors.

Arbuckle said, "Clothes not only maketh the man, they doth maketh the woman as well. As your color is, so will your psychological mood be". She added that the chief reason for so many depressed women, was black clothing.

So come on women, you have nothing to lose but your gains ......

And remember, mood spelt backwards is doom!

My old man said, "Follow the van, don't dilly dally on the way!" Off went the cart with the home packed in it ....

Moving house ( rather than home)

They say, that moving home (as distinct from moving house) a stressful occupation. It is. But that, dear reader, is exactly what I did last Queen's Birthday long weekend down here in old Nu Zulun.

With the help of some semi-abled old friends the dastardly deed was done.

Bill, Bruce, Murray, Ray and yours truly loaded the van, whilst Mary and Graham did a monumental bang up job cleaning the atrocious mess I left in my wake.

Atrocious mess left behind

It was a shift form a 1960's one-electric-socket-per-room unit to a 2011 eight-electric-sockets per-room unit.

Haven't we come a long way technologically speaking!

Welcome to my world (no... not really)

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away ...

Well, it is Monday May 23rd and nobody I know has been raptured - Not even the most handsome Harold Camping.

Now this raises folks a few possibilities.

1. Camping was right and that a few true  ... really true .... christians have really been really really raptured!

However,  these are so very few that nobody knows who they are! And also, Harold Camping ain't one of them cos he is still around.

2. Harold may have got his maths wrong about May and the rapture is at another date which Harold may yet calculate. Some believe there are two raptures which require two different mathematical models.

Now let me see:  1 Corinthians + 2 Corinthians = 3 Corinthians ... (no that's not right uuum)


3. There is no way of calculating when the rapture may be cos Jesus said no one would know the time .... this bit is in Mark's gospel (13:32) and Matthew (24:26).

4. That there is no such thing as a rapture in the New Testament. Many Christians believe this and say the those who are rapturistic in their thinking have misinterpreted the Bible. Some go so far as to say that the rapture is a lie of the devil.

 Just like chocolate being bad for you is a filthy lie of the devil!

5. The rapture is mentioned in the inspired Bible, but it is meant to be taken figuratively.

5. ( 6 is a bad number - so we can't use it) There is no such thing as a rapture cos the Bible is just another book of religious ideas. It is not, they say to be taken literally.

7. The word rapture is in fact in code. It is decoded to an anagram ... eruptar. Harold camping is in fact going to erupt.

Of course interpreting the Bible in terms of so-called END TIME EVENTS has been the life-time hobby of many amateur theologians.

No wonder many outside the church look bemused as "Christians" prattle on about the combinations and permutations and indeed confabulations of last day rapturistic possibilities.

Time we got back to more basic theological questions like:
1. Which way is up?
2. Could heaven be down if you live in New Zealand?
3. and ....Why are two men standing on the roof opposite me? Haven't they heard the rapture is off this week?

The way you wear your hat, the way you sip your tea ...

Popped into a church the other Sunday - one of the happy-clappy sorts.  Came the time in the service when we had to meet and greet one another.

Friendly handshakes   ... St Paul's injunction to greet one another with a holy kiss is no longer in fashion.

Fella with a big warm-type motor cycle jacket came over   ... shook me hand  .... chatted and then said "now you know if you wear that hat you can't pray or prophesy  ... cos you'll dishonor God.

I, of course, was wearing my black trilby  ... as you do ... on Sunday mornings.

Now...  I am not entirely unfamiliar with the New Testament and St Paul's writings. The fella in the jacket was referring to 1 Corinthians 11:2-16.


I told the guy, that this church was then in serious trouble.

The same passage which says men should not have their heads covered also says that the women should have their heads covered.

I pointed out there was not a women in the church who was obeying that injunction of our dear St Paul.

He agreed and limped away.

The fella didn't know me from ADAM.

I spoke with the Korean pastor afterwards. His opening words were "I like your hat".  I told him of the incident. He laughed and said no such rules applied in that church.

Legalism is a reality that not only still haunts the corridors of Christianity, but also the realities of modern life. Some folks are just sticklers for the rules.

Others want to look beyond the rules to the deeper meaning   .... to the spirit of the law.

The great sufi mystic Rumi said:

"Beyond what is called good and what is called evil there is a field  .... I will meet you there."

On the ball, on the ball, on the ball ...

It has emerged that the Rugby World Cup being held in Nu Zulun this year is not the most important thing on the planet.

Intensive research points to natural calamities being higher on the agenda.


In spite of these findings, unnamed sources suggest that the Nu Zulun media is utterly obsessed with the Rugby World Cup.

One unnamed anonymous source that cannot be named for legal reasons has intimated that most Kiwis are more concerned with the Christchurch victims of the recent earthquake.

The unspecified source said “The media bombard us with World Cup trivia, when people are still suffering horribly in both Christchurch and Japan”.

The undisclosed source went on to suggest that “if Rugby is indeed a religion in Nu Zulun, the media are the high priests”.

Sally Arbuckle, researcher at the Academy For All Sports Other Than Rugby (ASOTR) said “the evidence suggests that far more youngsters play football than rugby”.

She went on the say that a recent survey showed that most people prefer a round ball that bounces reliably.

It has also been revealed that black arm bans are being manufactured in the eventuality that Nu Zulun (the All Blacks) does not win the World Cup.

An important source said that both psychologists and psychiatrists are being specially trained to counsel distressed fans.

It's only words and words are all I have to take your heart away.

What follows are my views and not those of the Institution I work for.

Eduspeak (I coin the phrase) is ruining education in Nu Zulun

I got the latest Newsletter from Ako Aotearoa in my little pigeon hole dis morning.

Shortly it is going to be filed as they say. But before it is, I shall quote firstly Peter Coolbear the Director.


"The move to evaluative quality assurance by self-assessment is potentially one of those critical system changes that will precipitate a step change in the the quality and effectiveness of tertiary provision"

aaah I said .... yes indeed ... I said ... of course ... I said ... I should  have seen it before ... I said   .... but what on earth does that mean I said?

I'm a great fan of Winnie the Pooh ... and I am very sure Poohbear would have read it and said ...... huh? ... and then said .... just so ... and then ......  "after all I am a bear of very little brain"  .... and then he might say

Pass the honey someone!


Weasel words  Check this website out sometime

The falling leaves drift by the window The autumn leaves of red and gold...

Autumn Leaves

The last two morning in Auckland town have had a distinctly autumnal feel to them. Morning grow darker and colder and nights draw in.
I don't want to be the bearer of sad news but the winter of our discontent draws near.

Nat King Cole, among many others, sang the song above. He also sang "bring back those crazy hazy lazy days of summer"

The Autumn exquinox falls on the 20th of March this year.

Those with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) will be planning their trips to warmer climes as the cold, harsh, severe realities of winter begin to bite.

I must say that in mid winter I wish global warming would get a move on!. 

For the Calliope Club, it will mean the shift track running to cross country.  I have never been a fan of cross country, but I know fellow club members who simply adore thrashing about it the mud.

I just end up getting my running shoes sucked off. Most of the time I can get very little serious forward motion
in a cross country race.

Anyhoo here's to muddy winters days.

Ya need a lot of assiduity to get through winter.


'''Title:''' Autumn leaves '''Taken on:''' 2004-10-31 11:36:33 '''Original source:''' [http://www.flick)